So at church, I conduct the music to the whole congregation. I was just called to do this and today was my second Sunday. I am convinced (lol) that I was called just to be laughed at cuz I have NO experience conducting music. So this morning, I couldn't seem to make the correct motions with the music. It was worse than last week. And then, I sat down in a different chair than normal so I wouldn't have to squeeze around the stand, and I forgot there was a step there, so I fell right there, in front of everyone. I was so humiliated that I just wanted to walk out right away, but I couldn't. At least it wasn't as bad as last week's incident. Lets just say it involved my skirt and my back end being exposed. After the meeting, a few people came and asked if I was ok (which was nice). Of course I'm fine, just caused a blood blister to form on my carpal tunnel scar (which is only a couple of months old). I had decided by that point to stay throughout the rest of the day, but suddenly I was overcome with a feeling of just wanting to cry so I left. I love the church and the gospel, but I have no one in that branch that really talks to me or cares about me. The only good friend I do have is out of town all summer. So I doubt anyone will even notice I'm gone. I hate feeling that way, but I can't help it. I'm so fat and ugly that no one want's to be around me.

Pete is gone for work and all the rugrats are still gone. This house is so quiet right now. It's weird not having to worry about anyone else. I get to watch whatever I want, eat whatever I want, sleep when I want, etc. I really do miss my girls, though. I talked to Suzy and Jenny last night and they are have a blast on their trip. I think they would be fine if they were gone another week, but they are on their way home (slowly!). They should be home Monday evening or Tuesday. Carly is driving me nuts cuz she wants to come home so bad from her Uncles. But I don't think it's cuz she misses me so much, but she misses her boyfriend so much and he gets upset which her simply because he can't see her when she is out of town. And this doesn't throw up a warning flag for her? Martha is happy cuz she starts camp today, so she's not homesick at all. Pete had to sleep on a couch last night at his work-site sleeping area (called a BOQ) instead of his room cuz the power went out in his building. If he had had a vehicle, he could have gone to the prison unit he works at to get a key to another room, but he has no car while he's there and the walk wears him out too much.

So today, I'm depressed and grumpy. It's probably a good thing no one is here for me to take it out on. I feel like this world would be better of without me in it. I'm not suicidal, just wish I had never been born. Pete would have found himself a better wife, my kids would have been born to a better mom - one that didn't give them Celiac disease and was able to take better care of them. My mom  wouldn't be broke all the time cuz I wouldn't be here to constantly ask her for money. You get the idea.

I think I will go take a nap. At least no one will wake me up, except maybe the annoying kittens.