I am lying here in bed, trying hard not to cry anymore. I hate crying myself to sleep cuz my nose gets all stuffy and my eyes feel puffy the next day.Of course it's not like I've been crying all day; just when I'm trying to go to sleep and I don't have the internet or a game to take my mind off things. So I'm lying here trying to go to sleep and all these depressing things pop into my head. I've been trying to think of positive things, but it isn't working. It's like my brain wants to be happier, but my heart just plain refuses. Or maybe it's the other way around. I don't know anymore. So I've taken something to help me sleep and now I just have to wait until that kids in.
I fully understand that so many others have it worse than me. I don't have a child dying of cancer or something, I'm not homeless (yet), I have a husband that loves me, I have 4 beautiful daughters, and so many other things. So when I feel so down, I only get more disgusted with myself because I have no good reason to feel this way. But I do and I can't help it. I just wanna cry and scream and be angry at the world and I can't really explain why. It doesn't make sense. I've prayed that these feelings would be taken away but I guess I haven't learned my lesson yet.
Wow, I'm listening to "God's Will" by Martina McBride and she nails it right on the head.

On a brighter note, I kept thinking earlier about how I would LOVE to take the kids to the beach soon. Of course money is a huge factor in whether that will happen or not. We would have to have money for gas, food, maybe a place to sleep. I mentioned it to my husband and told him maybe we could camp out, but he points out that we would need electricity for his cpap machine (and mine, I guess). I still haven't found a "primitive" campground with power, so I guess that's no longer an option. I watched an episode of John and Kate plus 8 today where Kate up and decides one day to rent a beach house and stay there for 2 weeks on Bald Head Island in NC. She planned it in one day and they arrived there the very next day. So just out of curiosity, I looked up rental houses on that island. The prices blew me away! It was about $10,000 just for the house for 2 weeks! I have no idea what she actually paid for it however long ago, but that's the going rate right now. How I wish I could plop down that much money without much thought all because I didn't want to deal with a fancy kitchen renovation (which I believe was given to them).
My cousin used to tell me, "Wish in one hand and spit in the other. See which one fills up faster." I guess that applies here. But then I think about what she traded away for that money; her privacy, her marriage, and no telling what else. I don't think I want money that bad if that were the trade. But I sure would like to give my kids half of what the Gosselin kids get, such as the wonderful trips, the opportunities to travel and learn about the world, etc.
At this point, I just wanna keep a roof over their head, food in their mouths, and maybe a trip to Disneyland before they grow up. But, I can't even manage a 2 hour drive to the beach.

Oh great, the tears are back.